Proud and Disabled

I am disabled, that's old news. It took me a while to accept who I was and this is apart of me that may never change. I was terrified of who I was. When you hide apart of yourself for so many years and you finally have to face your demons it feels like the whole world will collapse. For me it meant coming to the realization that my visual halliuncations were not something that everyone had. As a kid you are scared of the dark or the monsters in your closet but at 18 years old my monsters had become all to real for me. I thought I saw dead girls in closets and this lizard human who followed me around intending to kill me. I had told no one about this ever, not even my mother, for fear of sounding crazy. I would be paralyzed in fear of what I saw a foot from me. It seemed if I could reach out and touch them. You always hear about mental illness like anxiety and depression and the stigma that surrounds them. What would people say if they knew? This was not the norm.

As I went to the hospital only a few months after my 18th birthday they diagnosed me with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and that was it. I was on my way home. I never told them about my hallucinations. One condition of me leaving though is that I would regularly see a therapist. 4 months later I sought help and was told my case was too severe to be treated at my college provided counseling services. Imagine that. The first time i reveal my halliuncations I am turned away. It just made me want to hide myself more. Four more months later I started therapy where I  went every two weeks. Then every one week. Till once again I was told I am to severe again. During my time there I was never told I was disabled. One day I was written a prescription for a service dog and right there in bold letters it read disabled. I didn't understand what this meant I wasn't in a wheel chair? I didn't understand that someone could be mentally disabled. I was scared to admit I was disabled. I was scared of people looking at me and treating me differently. 

6 months later here we are today. 1 year and 6 months after my journey with my mental health began. I am an advocate. I fight for justice and my goal is to educate able-bodied people on disabled culture. I may not have POTS or EDS but when someone teaches me something new about any disability I pass on the information to anyone willing to listen. It took time but I realized that there was no need to shame myself for something I could not change. 

I am proud.

I am disabled.

They are not mutually exclusive. 

If you would like to hear more about being proud and disabled I recommend the followig:

Judith Heumann The Heumann Perspective with Judith Heumann | Facebook