Meet My Hallucinations

I struggle with psychosis.

I have had hallucinations for many years of my life. As a child, they were dismissed as children often make up stories like monsters in the closet.

My monsters never went away. 

Over the years I have gained new hallucinations and some have discontinued completely.  Some hallucinations have names, others do not. They never speak yet its like I know why they are there. 

My very first introduction was a vampire. He lived in grandparents house. He hung out mainly in the hallway or in mirrors (yes I am aware legend says vampires have no reflection). He resembled a Scooby Doo villain but he was so real I could reach out and touch him.  I was terrified but when I was in my bed I knew he could not hurt me. He has not returned since early childhood and hopefully he never will. 

Next was Hector. Hector was only recently named so I could explain him to my therapist. He originally only appeared in my dreams but one day he came to life. Hector wears a black t-shirt, black zip-up hoodie (with the hood pulled up), and black converse high tops. He is a Caucasian male resembling a caricature: sideways oval head shape, enormous eyes, lizard tongue, chestnut hair with a skinny build. He leaves me paralyzed in fear every time he comes around. It was mainly just me and him till middle school but then others joined the party. He is still a frequent visitor.

Then their was a girl who has no name. She lives in closets, dangling from a noose. She wears a white raggedy dress with jet black hair that covers her face. She seems to be a juvenile. I feel her piercing gaze through cracks in doors or when the door is open just a wee bit. She comes a visits me regularly.

Starting around late middle school eyes became an issue. Piercing green eyes appeared in any dark area or behind bathroom curtains. I've only ever seen the eyes but I wonder if it is the same person as who comes next.

Hands reaching over the side of the bed trying to grab at me. They are shadow hands with pointy tips. Dozens appear at a time. 

Above are the reoccurring ones who had stayed around for a decent period of time. The next section are either singular events or have not had enough of a presence to count as reoccurring.

My eyes went black as I looked into the mirror. Like I had no soul like I was possessed. I seemed to have a grin on my face. 

My friends service dog and I were  sitting in a hallway as I was watching her while my friend used the bathroom in her house. The service dogs' face shapeshifted into a demon. I have been around the dog dozens of time since with no problem. 

Steven (for some reason I just knew that was his name) looked like the grim reaper. He stood at the foot of my bed and just stared at me then quietly left.

Robbers have appeared at the bottom of the stairs just standing there staring at me. They wore the classic mask with a black and white striped shirt.  That same day, Mr. Mime from the Pokémon Series also stood in that same spot. 

I do struggle with paranoia as well. I see shadows following me, sometimes they have even touched me. I stand in the shower and I feel as if someone is on the other side of the curtain or when washing the dishes someone is behind me. The paranoia of seeing someone I know at the store often manifests and I start to believe the guy in line next to me is someone I know.

My hallucinations are worst in dark areas, nighttime, and when I am alone.

None of them have ever talked to me nor I to them. I know why they are there though. They are trying to kill me.

So, why divulge all this very personal information?

The answer is quite simple. I wanted people who struggle with hallucinations to not feel alone. I wanted to show that symptoms grow and change over time as we grow and change. I desire to help normalize hallucinations within the community and try to rid the stigma that are hallucinations make us kill people and that we are evil. I also find this blog as a creative outlet for me to share with the world the things I may not be able to verbalize.  I hope this gave you some insight on what it is like to be me.

*Note: This is my personal experiences with visual hallucinations. Their are multiple types other than visual such as auditory, sensational and olfactory. Every person will have a different experience.